I have been nagged by the thought that there is a song I know that puts my feelings into perspective. I just happened to come across Eli's CD 'Things I Prayed for' and I heard the song play on my stereo. It hit me that this is what my mind has been trying to come up with for the past week. I think that God has good reasons for taking Kevin Brown from this world. We probably won't ever know or understand why...even when we get to Heaven ourselves. Somethings are just not explainable. Sometimes it makes us rely on faith.
That word. Faith. It is one of the most misused words, in my opinion. It is also one of the hardest words to truly understand. How can one rely on faith? How can one blindly believe that something was for the ultimate good when it hurts everyone. How can one believe in a creator who speaks to us through a book of letters and stories?
Have I walked off on a tangent? Umm. Well, I think that faith is not just blindly following something or someone. It is a decision that has been made. For me, it was investigating for quite some time the historical events that coincide with the stories in the Bible. It was reading other peoples same quest and the answers they found and how they came to be able to make it concrete truth that these events happened and that not only was Jesus a person, but that he performed miracles that cannot to this day be copied by the smartest of illusionists. That and how the prophesies were written long before Jesus came to Earth and how he fulfilled the prophesies as they were written.
Faith. A word I don't use too often. I have had my own issues with that word. Mostly it has been my own pride getting in the way. I too often push God out of the picture and think that I don't need him. It takes some event to bring me back to Him. I want to be more obedient to God. I have to stop letting my life be consumed by worldly things. I need to get my head into thinking of God and get into his Word more. I need to stop listening to what I call 'my angry music'. I need to love my wife more than I do. I need to be more honest and committed to my friends. I have some great friends and I never talk to them or hang out with my closest friend besides my wife. This friend has bent over backwards to help me over the years and I feel like I just take advantage of that. I feel ashamed that I was not there for him when he was in a time of need for friends to pray over his troubles. I hangs over me every time I'm around him or I think of him. I don't know why I stayed away...I always stay away. From everyone. I let people in only so deep and I then walk away. Like I'm keeping score of how many people I can meet and hold conversations with but not let them know the deep dark secrets of my soul. I started to with my friend. Then we went different paths for a while. Time was not on our side when we would try to get together. It still isn't. I sometimes wonder if I use that as an excuse to keep him at arms length. So I don't have to hurt because of my selfishness. Why am I so...I can't even come up with a word to describe myself!
Well, what started out to be a letter of hope has become a bleeding heart. I'm sorry but this is me and this is what I'm feeling right now.
As for the song, here are the lyrics...
That word. Faith. It is one of the most misused words, in my opinion. It is also one of the hardest words to truly understand. How can one rely on faith? How can one blindly believe that something was for the ultimate good when it hurts everyone. How can one believe in a creator who speaks to us through a book of letters and stories?
Have I walked off on a tangent? Umm. Well, I think that faith is not just blindly following something or someone. It is a decision that has been made. For me, it was investigating for quite some time the historical events that coincide with the stories in the Bible. It was reading other peoples same quest and the answers they found and how they came to be able to make it concrete truth that these events happened and that not only was Jesus a person, but that he performed miracles that cannot to this day be copied by the smartest of illusionists. That and how the prophesies were written long before Jesus came to Earth and how he fulfilled the prophesies as they were written.
Faith. A word I don't use too often. I have had my own issues with that word. Mostly it has been my own pride getting in the way. I too often push God out of the picture and think that I don't need him. It takes some event to bring me back to Him. I want to be more obedient to God. I have to stop letting my life be consumed by worldly things. I need to get my head into thinking of God and get into his Word more. I need to stop listening to what I call 'my angry music'. I need to love my wife more than I do. I need to be more honest and committed to my friends. I have some great friends and I never talk to them or hang out with my closest friend besides my wife. This friend has bent over backwards to help me over the years and I feel like I just take advantage of that. I feel ashamed that I was not there for him when he was in a time of need for friends to pray over his troubles. I hangs over me every time I'm around him or I think of him. I don't know why I stayed away...I always stay away. From everyone. I let people in only so deep and I then walk away. Like I'm keeping score of how many people I can meet and hold conversations with but not let them know the deep dark secrets of my soul. I started to with my friend. Then we went different paths for a while. Time was not on our side when we would try to get together. It still isn't. I sometimes wonder if I use that as an excuse to keep him at arms length. So I don't have to hurt because of my selfishness. Why am I so...I can't even come up with a word to describe myself!
Well, what started out to be a letter of hope has become a bleeding heart. I'm sorry but this is me and this is what I'm feeling right now.
As for the song, here are the lyrics...
GOD WEEPS TOO
by Eli
This is for the man who never learned to read or write
he worked two jobs instead of going to school
I know it hurt you as a child, please remember all the while
That God weeps too
This is for the widow who now must sleep alone
When the memory of a kiss will have to do
Every night when she lays down you can almost hear the sound
when God weeps too
God weeps too, God weeps too
Though we question Him for all that we go through
still it helps me to believe and my faith it does relieve
Just to think that God weeps too
For every survivor of the wickedness of man
whether a black man or a Jew
some people kill in Jesus name
He is not the one to blame
cause even God weeps too
God weeps too, God weeps too
though we question Him for all that we go through
still it helps me to believe and my faith it does relieve
just to think that God weeps too
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